Dear I’m Shy During Sex:

Don’t talk to him about your problems with self-consciousness and inhibitions in bed — he doesn’t want to hear about it. He already knows things aren’t working, so he doesn’t want to hear about it again, and, he doesn’t want to hear about a problem he can’t fix. Women make the mistake of thinking their boyfriends are their girlfriends that they tell everything to. Wrong! Guys don’t want to know everything. If you have a problem, they want to fix it, and if they can’t fix it, they’re going to feel inadequate — so don’t bring it up!

It’s important for you to understand men a little better than you do. Here’s a piece of key information about them that you probably didn’t realize up until now: Men want to feel like they’re giving you sexual pleasure in bed. They want to be your knight in shining armor, and that translates to the guy who rocks your world in the sack! When they do, they feel really, really great about themselves — and they feel great about you! When you’re having a great time in bed with them — they’re the reason for your sexual happiness, and ironically, you’re the reason for theirs. This sexual cycle boosts their self-confidence, and it makes them feel like the relationship is on track. It’s crucial for your to understand the man’s point of view and to remember that he wants to know that you’re loving the sex and that he’s the reason you’re having such a good time, sexually.

In addition, men love sex, and they love women who enjoy sex. If they’re going to choose to be in a relationship that leads to marriage, then they want to know that their monogamous future with you isn’t just about companionship and shared goals — they want to know that the future with you is going to include a great sex life that will last forever. If the sex isn’t good, and together you can’t make it good, it will be a deal breaker for the guy — and that’s what you’re picking up. So, if you can’t show him all that in bed, he’s going to feel badly about himself, about you and about the two of you together.

This means that your feelings of insecurity about yourself having sex and about your body, have to take a back seat to your focus on sex! You need to relax, let go and enjoy yourself, so that he knows you’re enjoying the sex. Figure out what you’re self-conscious about, specifically, and then work on that so you’re not. If you need to lose weight, and that’s making you feel self-conscious, then lose the weight! If you don’t like a body part, understand that he likes your body parts! In fact, he wants more of you, not less. If you need to dim the lights to feel more confident, buy some fabulous candles. If you feel more comfortable in lingerie than completely nude, then get thee to Victoria’s Secret! But do what you need to do to spend more energy enjoying yourself with him in bed.