Dear Messy Love Triangle,

You’re frustrated because you want your boyfriend to be someone he isn’t and never was, and you’ve invested eight months in this relationship, and aren’t seeing the payoff you were hoping for with him. Many times women write to me, and say they’re confused in a relationship or they’re confused by a man’s behavior, but they’re not really confused. What they are is disappointed. Sometimes it takes a while for them to realize that it’s not confusion, but instead, disappointment they’re feeling — and they work very hard to try to convince themselves that it’s confusion. The reason they avoid disappointment is because once they realize their disappointment, they have to face reality. I think it’s time for you to do that.

Looking back, it was an odd call for you to give him permission to install a tracking and monitoring device on your phone. That’s not normal in adult relationships. And when you have the kind of mistrust that requires tracking, you’re starting off a relationship with big problems. This isn’t what adults do with each other. It’s what parents do with teenagers that they don’t trust, and are responsible for. It’s what the criminal system does with parolees they don’t trust, and are responsible for. By allowing him this tracking device, you established and enabled a relationship based on dysfunction. Not a great first step for a normal, healthy, trusting relationship.

The other issue I think you haven’t faced, is that he’s got a ten year girlfriend he’s still dating, even eight months after seeing you, too. I know he tells you he loves you, but his behavior is the real key her. Men will say what they need to say to keep you in the game if they want you in the game. And he does. He just doesn’t want just you. Instead of asking him to decide to pick one of you, why don’t you decide to move on, if you want monogamy, because it sure doesn’t seem like that’s where this is heading.

It’s time for you to wake up and smell the coffee — this isn’t about him or his decisions. It’s about you. If you want a man to be committed and monogamous and trusting, then you have to choose someone with those characteristics, and be someone who attracts that type of person. And if you want monogamy, date a guy who’s single and wants the same type of monogamy that you do. He will never be the person you want him to be. He is who he is, and you should consider facing that fact instead of pretending to be confused when he doesn’t do what you want him to. That will just lead to more and deeper frustration and disappointment. This is like buying a Fiat and hoping it will become a Range Rover. You can buy it Range Rover tires, and park it in an oversized vehicle spot, but it’s still going to be a Fiat, and the more you hope it will be an oversized vehicle, the more frustrated you will get. He’s not the guy you want him to be. Never was. Never will be. This is all about your choices.