Dear Boyfriend won’t commit,

Even though it may not seem like it, dating during divorce is the same thing as dating during marriage. Technically, you’re still married, and many people who are divorcing are actually living with their soon to be exes, thinking they’re in some limbo phase, when they’re really not. They’re married. And as much as they want to get through this next phase of divorce, jumping the gun doesn’t do the trick. Sometimes people start dating during a failing marriage so they can have some happiness or see the light at the end of the tunnel, because divorce can be quick, but it can also take years (and years).  That’s why, while it may seem that he’s giving you mixed messages, you have to understand that when you start dating someone who is married, while you’re married — even if divorce proceedings are going forward — it’s a mixed-message situation for both of you. My advice is to get yourself out of the mindset that you’re single. If you’re divorcing, you’re married. If you’re divorced, you’re not.

Since you both have children, you may or may not realize that custody arrangements and child support can change at any moment when one party challenges the status quo. So, now that he’s two months away from being divorced, and “fighting” for civility, he’s probably trying to stabilize his family. Since your children are friends and your spouses probably know each other, there’s a lot at stake for him if his wife finds out about your dating him — or even just hanging out, with or without benefits. Many times spouse will take out their anger by raging on the custody arrangement and the child support agreement simply to exact revenge about an ex dating. It’s terrible — but it’s a reality. Once you accept this, I think it will be easier for you not to be confused as much as you are disappointed.  Of course the other possibility is that he wasn’t that interested in you as anything more than a friend with benefits, which is what you see when there is hooking up instead of dating going on. It was probably convenient and fun because the two of you were going through the same thing at the same time, but now that he’s on the verge of being divorced, he wants to move on, and this is the excuse he’s giving you.

My advice is that you wait until you’re divorced to start dating. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, or rather, how long it’s been since you’ve started dating, but rule number one in dating is for you NOT to pursue the guy. This prevents confusion.  It lets you know how interested he is or isn’t by his pursuit. If a guy isn’t pursuing you, he’s not interested. When you pursue him, it takes that opportunity for him to pursue, away from him — and the opportunity for you to have clarity, away from you. I know that you say that you call and text daily, but my advice here is to stop. Since you don’t want to be in a “crappy relationship” don’t get involved with a guy who’s married, telling you that dating you is too risky, and is going to be stabilizing a new divorce. You wrote that you’re going to be married for about four more months — so use that time to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, and how you can really use this new opportunity of being single again, to do better yourself, and your kids.