Dear April,
My boyfriend of almost a year is just about divorced. He is waiting for the judge to finalize the decree. As we have become closer he has opened up about his past relationship with his wife: they were together 8 years. He describes her as an alcoholic, who turns into a nasty, violent person when she’s drunk, and always wants to be with her friends acting like she’s a teenager. She suddenly lost interest in their marriage and started doing her own thing, and he even thought that she might have been seeing someone. He finally had enough and moved out. The way he talks about it, I can tell that he really loved her and was very heartbroken. Now, anything he says is negative. When I asked him if he still had feelings for her he said, “Its like having a loved one die — it gets easier as time goes by.” Will he ever be able to let her go? If we continue with our relationship, I want to be the one that he wants to be with and loves, and if she were to ever change and get her act together, that she wouldn’t even be a thought to him. Is this possible? Will he ever get over his ex.
Signed,
Boyfriend Still Loves EX
Dear Boyfriend Still Loves EX:
You’re blaming him for your own lack of direction when it comes to dating. That’s the big problem here — but don’t beat yourself up over this — you’re not alone. Most people point the finger elsewhere because it’s a lot easier to do than to take responsibility, roll up your sleeves, and figure out where you went wrong and what you can do differently to change your own life. But to get out of this challenge, you have to stop looking at him, now, and start looking in the mirror, instead. You have to focus on what YOU want, and then decide to get it.
Know what you want in a relationship — that’s a lot harder to do than to talk about, but it’s crucial for your dating success. When you do know what you want, you can then figure out pretty quickly if he’s someone who is going to give you that and who is going to be compatible with you. When you stay with someone who isn’t going to give you what you want, or who isn’t compatible with you, you’re going to do one of two things: a) Get angry at him or b) Figure out why you’re staying. Usually, women stay with Mr. Wrong because they don’t want to be alone and would rather waste their time with someone who’s never going to be Mr. Right to avoid being single, or because they haven’t done the work to figure out what they want, and they’re gong to do it while they date. This wastes time. So, if you know on the first, second, third or fourth date that this is someone who’s never going to be your Mr. Right, recognize that continuing to date him is your a bad investment of your time.
When you come to that conclusion, telling him you want a friendship is leading him on — and it’s leading yourself on. If you’re honest, what you know you really want, a serious, romantic relationship, not a friendship — anything less with a man is dishonest. Know yourself, first and foremost, and stay true to who you are and what you want. Women befriend men after a break up because they think it’s kind. They don’t realize that breaking up with someone who isn’t Mr. Right is actually a gift that sends that guy in the right direction — away from a relationship that isn’t working, and into the dating world where he may find someone who’s right for him. Worse, keeping a guy you’ve rejected, around as a friend can lead to a friends with benefits relationship, that women then try to leverage into a romantic, monogamous relationship. It never works. If you don’t want a particular guy in your life, then simply don’t respond to him. It’s that simple — or that difficult, if you have self-discipline and focus issues. And if self-discipline is something you need to work on, don’t waste another day ignoring that issue! Seize the day and remember: You’re your own compass in life. Know your desired destination and stay clear on your direction.
