Dear April,
I met up with an old flame from years ago. We’re both in our 40s. He was reeling from a break-up, I was getting over a divorce and it was just so nice to see an old friend that was “safe” and I had history with. Since we were long distance (NY/Dallas) we both assumed this was just a friendship and have both been dating other people. As time went by we started seeing each other every 6 weeks. I met his kids, parents, we went on vacations together. I think he liked me more than a friend but given the way we met and that he was “recovering” I never let the idea enter my mind for very long that this was just 2 people who really liked each other and “escaped” together. And yes, we had “benefits” with the friendship.
Six months later, I was in love with him. I started feeling jealousy. I started getting scared I’d never see him again. I have not articulated any of this to him, but my behavior has been erratic. I tend to push him away because I don’t know how to deal with my feelings. Every time I push away, he tells me he is hurt, but at the same time, he’s stopped making any real effort to see me. My frustration is growing deeper. This is disrupting my life and my concentration on things that matter. Do I tell him on the phone how I feel and just ask him not to call or text any more so I can move on? What is the right thing to do here?
Signed,
Confess my Feelings or Ghost
Dear Confess my Feelings or Ghost,
First of all, you have to grasp an understanding of what friendship is, and what dating is. Friendship does not involve sex. You don’t have sex with your friends. Sex is what lovers do. Granted, you can have a one night stand with someone who’s less a lover than a hit and run — but he’s still not your friend. Men and women can’t be friends because one person always wants more than the other, and this is not the dynamic of friendship. If you can accept that, you’ll have an easier time with relationships.
Next, understand that you were a rebound relationship, since he was “reeling from a break up” when the two of you began dating — even as so called “friends”. That doesn’t mean things can’t work out in the long run, but it is a different situation than if he was clear that he wanted to find a woman to marry. When you fall into things and aren’t conscious of what you’re doing, or simply default to what’s easiest, you can have a great short term relationship, but often, find yourself uncomfortable or unhappy in the long term. That’s what’s happening now.
Typically, I suggest the following time frame for dating: Spend the first three months deciding if you want to continue seeing each other. Spend the second three months deciding if you want to be monogamous. If after six months of dating, you want to be monogamous, but he doesn’t, you should move on — if you’re looking for Mr. Right (a long term, committed relationship).
It sounds like you’ve a) stayed longer than you should have, with a guy who doesn’t have the same relationship goals you do and b) weren’t focused on a goal for yourself. My advice is not to tell him how you feel, but show him, by not going to visit him any more, and at the same time, dialing up your flirtation, and teasing him into the next level, so that if you can be boyfriend and girlfriend, and possibly more, you will. I know that this is a shift, and he may not take the bait, but you basically need to get him to chase you. It’s harder to do this mid-stream, than if you start out with this strategy. What you’ve been doing is making it too easy for him to be with you, which at the same time, made it harder for you to see his intentions. If he does chase after you, then that’s good. If he doesn’t, then you’ll know that this was convenient for him, but not something he’s serious about, and while disappointing, the clarity will allow you to move on.
