Dear April,
I am in my late 30’s, divorced with 2 children. I am independent, own my own house, car and pay all my bills alone. I am a professional and have a great career. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 2 years now. He also has 2 children of his own that he supports. He is wonderful; he helps me with the kids, in the house and overall is always working on our relationship to make it better. I trust him, I know he loves and cares for me tremendously. My issue is this; he does not make a lot of money. He works hard and lots of over time but in his career path, he will never make a high salary. This is what he chooses and is comfortable there. I have encouraged him to go to school and do more for himself but he is comfortable basically being broke.
In the last few months, he has been living with me. He helps out a lot and he has always given me money for groceries, but it is not a lot. I think we should spilt the bills or at least close to it. My household bills are $3,000 a month, but I am lucky if I will see $300 to $400 a month from him. I don’t feel like this is fair and it bothers me. When I talk to him about it, he says he has been working so hard and trying for more overtime to give me more and wants to give me more but I know he just can’t do it.
In addition, since he does not have a lot we usually can’t go to places I like such as vacations, theater, weekend trips, etc. I plan trips myself and go places with my kids and my family so I don’t feel like I am losing out on the things I have come accustomed to but he can’t afford to come. There are so many things that are perfect in our relationship but the money is a big issue for me. He wants to get married and I don’t because if so, then he can have half of my house that I worked long and hard to get after my divorce. What do you think? Is money such a big deal to break up this relationship?
Signed,
Richer Than My Boyfriend
Dear Richer Than My Boyfriend,
Time for some brutal honesty. In every relationship there are deal breakers. Sometimes they’re simple, like no violence or no addiction, and when a man crosses these lines, it’s very clear that the relationship is a no go. But when a man has some wonderful qualities, and basically “passes” as a person who could be Mr. Right, it’s a lot harder to let go when a deal breaker that’s important to you, but isn’t as obvious as physical abuse or gambling, rears it’s head, slowly but surely.
So, what’s a deal breaker? A man can be wonderful, but not want to raise your children the same religion that you do — for some people that’s a deal breaker. A man can be very wealthy, but bad in bed, and that’s a deal breaker for some. A man can be fantastic, but he has children and you don’t want children. That can be a deal breaker. Knowing your deal breakers in advance of dating, and being true to yourself by not dating anyone who possesses these deal breakers will help you avoid these difficult situations, but some women — even very successful women like yourself — don’t know their deal breakers going into dating either because they haven’t really thought about them, or else they didn’t realize that they had them. Well, now you do. You want a man who has a certain type of career that generates an income that fits the lifestyle you’ve already established. There! I’ve said it, and it must be a relief to you to have someone else say it. Get over the guilt about who you are and what you want. Nobody here is passing any judgment on you. In fact many men don’t want to marry women who don’t have a certain income, a certain body type or a certain religion — and there’s nothing wrong with that! The worst thing you can do is to be dishonest…. which is what you’ve been doing.
You’ve let things go too far, by having him move in with you, when he’s got a deal breaking quality. Now, you’re getting annoyed because you want him to split expenses with you, and he’s not doing it because he won’t and/or he can’t. While you’re expressing your annoyance and working around him, you’re holding a grudge. If you don’t address this issue head on, you’re either going to complain to him and behind his back so much, that you’ll create the kind of drama that breaks up a relationship, or you’re going to be passive aggressive, and subsequently miserable, and so will he. All the things you like about him will fade into the background and this problem will loom in the forefront. This is a deal breaker, the same way someone who doesn’t want kids can be a deal breaker for someone who does, or the way someone who won’t marry a single parent is for someone who is a single parent. Don’t feel guilty — just do what’s right for you, because in the long run, it will be right for him, too.
