Dear April,
I’ve known this guy since we were teenagers, and he was always the “nice guy” and that turned me off. I got married to someone else and had three daughters, and when we divorced, he and I started dating. We were together for eight and a half months when I did the unthinkable. I put my hands on him, multiple times out of jealousy. Stupid because I truly love him. Since the incident, two months ago, he hasn’t not spoken to me AT ALL. The only correspondence was two days afterward and he sent me a text that said:
“You have problems not only have you assumed and accused me and told me how I feel you put your hands on me. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You will be getting served soon. You need help and right now nothing I say or do matters. You need to stay away from me. It hurts me so bad right now that I will never see your daughters again but for peace in my life I have no choice. You made it this way, I shouldn’t even be responding to you.”
I really want him back and even started counseling immediately to help myself and potentially our relationship. Do we have a chance?! Should I give up?! Like a fool, I have continuously attempted to apologize by texting and writing letters. He ignores all of it.
Signed,
Love, Jealousy, Regret, and Healing
Dear Love, Jealousy, Regret, and Healing,
You were violent and your boyfriend left. For many people reading, this will seem unusual because domestic violence is usually a situation where a man strikes a woman, but there are many, many cases like yours where a woman strikes a man. It’s good that you’re honest about what happened, and that you are getting help with your situation, and it’s important that you continue to be honest about things — what sets you off, why you resort to violence, and if you’ve ever done this before and why. Honesty is a big step towards recovery and healing.
In many cases of domestic violence the perpetrator has been acted on herself, at some time in her past. In other words, this may be learned behavior on your part. If you can think back and reconsider your family history, you may find clues as to where you learned to resort to violence, and why. It’s very important, because you have children, to change your behavior so that they don’t learn the bad habits that you did.
I know you want your ex-boyfriend back, but domestic violence is a deal breaker in any relationship. And part of healing is to realize what you lose when you hit someone. My advice is to accept the loss and instead, to focus on your personal health. I’m sure that he still has feelings for you — lots of people in relationships where there is domestic violence still love each other — but they don’t want to be with someone who is violent because it’s an incompatibility and it’s a problem that you have to take care of, alone. Luckily, his healthy behavior in walking away from the relationship may actually be a catalyst for your road to recovery. There are reasons we all make changes in behavior, and if you realize that you’ve lost a good man because of your violence, this may be what causes you to stop once and for all.
