Dear April,
My fiancé and I have been together for six years. We own a house together and live together. But six months ago, I began having doubts about our long-term compatibility. See, I love discussing big issues: religion and politics. He can’t stand it. I’m deeply spiritual; he’s firmly agnostic. I crave affection; he doesn’t. Recently, the physical intimacy has completely ended. We never touch. Ever. He’s even mentioned twice that he’s no longer attracted to me, but he’s attracted to other people. I feel like we’ve become roommates or friends, instead of a couple. Breaking up would be messy. He’s a great guy; we share the same friends; our lives are so intertwined. I don’t want to mess up my life, but I’m so unhappy. Why isn’t he? Is this the life he wants? Is this normal?
Signed,
Messy Love Triangle
Dear Messy Love Triangle,
Six years is a long time to be together to suddenly consider that the differences you mention, are possible deal breakers. I’m guessing that those differences were existent in years one, two, three and four of your relationship. And they were there when you bought a home together, and moved in together, and when he proposed to you and you accepted. The question is, why, at year five and a half, did you suddenly start thinking about the differences you’ve always had between you, as problems? The reality is that there isn’t anything black and white about the issues you’ve mentioned that have to be deal breakers. They can be parts of a healthy, happy relationship, or they can also be divisive deal breakers, too. It really depends on the couple.
It sounds like you’re mentioning these these differences as a defense to his pulling away from you, because that’s the only thing that’s new. And it’s a flashing red light that he’s looking outside the relationship — in spite of the house and the you’ve been together up to now. So the question is, do you want to try to win him over and get him back, or do you want to let go and move on?
If you want to win him over, there are lots of ways to get out of sexual slumps and romantic dry spells — which are all pretty normal parts of long term relationships. The reality is that dating, and even committed relationships, are competitive, and you can’t drop the ball and expect there to be no recourse. So if there’s anything you’re doing differently that’s contributed to his lack of interest, this is the moment to play your A game and win him back. Complacency is no longer an option. You have to take action, or have it taken against you. That said — if you’re really looking to leave because of these incompatibilities you mention, then the window of opportunity seems to be open. Ball’s in your court, play it or be played.
