Dear April,
I’ve been in a 4-year relationship. We love each other very much however there are some barriers that are preventing us from moving forward. He is still legally married although they’ve been separated 15 years. His ex lives on the same street with the kids, ages 18 & 20. The younger one is self-sufficient, but the 20 year old dropped out of high school due to severe anxiety. He’s never had a job and is reliant on his parents. He sleeps all day. The ex-wife used to be included in our family get together’s , but I put a stop to it last year. He still supports her and the kids financially. I do not like this, but try to understand.
Last year I ended things, but he said let’s get married. We set date and sent out invitations, but his divorce wasn’t finalized so we had a commitment ceremony. A month later his son came to stay for 5 weeks ignoring me, etc. This created major issues. I moved out to help my 19 year old son, but my boyfriend and I saw each other on weekends. Now, my son is on his own, and my lease is up end of April and I am ready to continue to move forward, but he STILL hasn’t finalized his divorce. Help!
Signed,
Love Life is Stuck
Dear Love Life is Stuck,
This is pretty simple: In spite of your commitment ceremony with this man, he’s still married to the woman you refer to as his ex-wife. And he’s had more than enough time to get divorced, but I’m sure it’s become clear to you that he doesn’t want to be. The fact that his wife lives down the street, and he’s still supporting her and their adult children, should be a big clue that he’s not ready to let go — even though it would be great if he stopped enabling all of them. It’s really not that hard to get divorced, especially when the children are not no longer kids, but legal adults. It may have seemed like he was divorced because he has his own home, separate from his wife’s, but he’s not, and your discomfort is valid.
The way you can help yourself out of this predicament is to stop considering the problem here to be him and his son and his wife, and instead, ask yourself why you would have a commitment ceremony with a man who is married to a woman he supports, down the road. My guess is that the commitment ceremony helps you feel like you have a relationship with him that is separate and special from his marriage to his wife. The reality is that he’s trying to keep both of you in the game, and so far, you’re both staying. The commitment ceremony may have made you feel a little better for the time being, but you want more, and he’s not budging.
My advice is that you decide what it is you want and then go for it, in other words, if you want to remarry, then find someone who’s single and is very clear about wanting to remarry. However, if you decide that what you really want is him, then accept that he’s married and his wife and kids are going to be part of your life, probably the same way they have been over the four years you’ve dated. In other words, don’t stay with him and expect him to change. If you want something to change, look to yourself for that.
I hope that helps.
