Dear April,
I’m 44, have been divorced 3 years and have 2 young boys. I met a man from work who is over 10 years younger than me. We were drunk at a sales meeting — we’ve had the most insanely awesome time together, every minute we were together. I’ve NEVER had the sexual chemistry I have with him in my entire life! It’s super intense, constant and incredible! BUT he never comes around when my children are here and is somewhat of a loner. We’ve recently decided to wean ourselves away from each other and I know this is best since duh, he has’t accepted me as a mother but I can’t shake the feeling that our chemistry is once in a lifetime. The other dilemma is having to see him every day at work and I still want him. Ugh, please send words of strength and advice!
Signed,
Intense Chemistry, Uncertain Future
Dear Intense Chemistry, Uncertain Future,
So, you’re 44 and he’s 34 — I don’t see the problem with the age. You’re divorced. He’s single. Am I missing something here? Okay, so you met him at work, but that’s not a negative. It makes perfect sense that people meet at work — especially singles! You probably spend more time in your office than you do asleep in your bed at night! And since you’re a single mother, you have less time to find people to date, than singles without kids. So get over the idea that dating someone at work is a bad thing. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your work, and there aren’t work favors being exchanged for sexual or social ones, and you tend to keep the relationship on the down low, rather than flaunt it by making out at the water cooler, I’m not opposed to office romance.
The reason that he never comes around when your children are around is because he doesn’t want the responsibility and the commitment of having more than a romantic, sexual relationship. But…. that could be because it’s too soon in the relationship for this to be comfortable for him. If he’s never been married or had kids, he may see your children, and meeting them, as more of a landmark than you do. It’s a great idea to be prudent about introducing people you’re dating to young kids. They shouldn’t have to go through your dating ups and downs, and your home shouldn’t have a revolving door of dates, so I don’t think it’s wrong for him to not want to meet your kids just yet.
The thing that’s important here is for you to focus on what you want. If you’re looking for a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship, then you should focus on that. But if you’re simply looking for fun and sex, that’s okay, too — just don’t confuse your goals with one another. If you can be okay with his moving slowly towards a longterm goal, or not having that goal at all, you should enjoy the opportunity to be a 44 year old divorced woman who’s holding a great job, doing a great job with her kids, taking care of her body, and enjoying a healthy sex life with an interesting guy who has some great qualities. Just decide what you want and be conscious of your decisions.
