Dear April,
’ve been married for 5 years, together for 10, and when my husband got a job promotion, I quit my job to be home with the kids, since what I made literally just paid the sitter. But now, he works 7 am to 10 pm everyday except for one day a week — in which he sleeps. Even when he isn’t scheduled to work those hours he works them because he doesn’t want everything to fall apart in his department. He complains he misses me and the kids but when is home and not sleeping he is talking about work or talking to employees on the phone. He ignores me until we get to bed, no matter how tired he says he is, he is all over me. I feel like I am here to pleasure him just so he can get through the next day and make him food. I have had to go through 3 birthday parties, 1 wedding, 2 family get togethers for his family 1 death on my side and a miscarriage in the 3 months since this started ALONE. I feel like a single mother right now. My poor son just wants to learn how to play baseball but his dad is never home. My daughter bawls every morning when he leaves. I want so badly to support him but I can’t sit back and keep telling the kids why they don’t see their dad. I don’t want to lose him Help!
Signed,
Husband Obsessed with Work
Dear Husband Obsessed with Work,
You have to look at the problem differently in order to find a solution. Your facts are straight, but it sounds like you’re stuck in a rut. Here are some ways to get out of it:
1. Decide to be grateful that you have a husband who is working so hard to support your family. Do whatever it takes to support the family, yourself. This may sound like a foreign language to you because you’re very committed to your current mindset, but the reality is that you decided to marry and have children (I’m not sure how many you have, but the miscarriage implies you’re still looking to have more). And that means you have a different marriage dynamic than if it’s just the two of you. Accept responsibility for your choices, and adjust your attitude. Then communicate it — to everyone!
2: Downsize. Many times, families stuck in a rut where their finances are dictating their relationships, don’t realize that they can move to a cheaper town or state, or take jobs that are less “sexy” and more lucrative. Kids can share bedrooms. Expensive childcare can be replaced with coop babysitting in the neighborhood, relatives as babysitters, or Boys and Girls Club type childcare that is not glamorous, but is worthwhile for many people. Look at where you spend money, and reduce where you can, to take the pressure off. This is a financial attitude adjustment. Do you really need what you’re spending on? Really??
3: Move closer to relatives, or consider moving a relative into your home so that you can work without paying for childcare that made your work obsolete, financially. Sometimes the relationship dynamics won’t work with grandma in the next room, but sometimes they do work. This is a family attitude adjustment. You may think your kids need a certain caliber of support, but the stress they’re absorbing from your providing it, cancels out the benefits. Child-rearing attitude adjustment, necessary!
4: Consider that you may be having an identity crisis of sorts, having quit your job to become a full time, stay at home mom. This is a bigger deal than you may realize, and if you nourish yourself — whether it’s with exercise, friendships that support this transition, or finding more interesting things to do at home, including home businesses, or community work (volunteer or paid), you may feel better about yourself, the marriage, your husband and your family. Look in the mirror and decide who you want to see, then adjust…
