Dear Husband Addicted To Sex,

It doesn’t appear from what you’ve written that he has a sexual addiction. Sexual addictions are usually defined by people having sex so often, and without regard for the consequences of their behavior, so much so that it interferes with their normal lives. From what you’ve written, your husband is having a relatively normal life, and sex isn’t impeding it in any way. But it does sound like you haven’t talked to him about what’s bothering you, and that’s the heart of the problem.

Even though you’re the one who hasn’t approached him, you’re feeling shut out. You’re not complaining about a lack of sex between the two of you, so I think it’s fair to say that your sex life is good as far as you’re concerned, and you’re not indicating that he’s cheating on you, so loyalty in your marriage is intact — but there is a communication problem between you and your husband, and it’s on one subject: sex. But, ironically, this problem isn’t about sex — it’s about communication.

Clearly, you have to break the ice and talk to him, but when you do, it’s very important that you don’t corner him, put him on the defensive or make him feel ashamed. Talking about sex can be touchy, so remember that the goal here is to open the channel of communication and get closer to him, not make him feel uncomfortable and unwilling to talk. You have to make it clear that what’s happened isn’t so much a problem of him using the Viagra — it’s his using the Viagra without you. You feel excluded from a part of his life that you want to be a part of, and this makes you feel distanced from him and the marriage. You’re confused about your feelings because he’s not really cheating on you with someone else, which would be easier to understand, although more hurtful, and this feeling of exclusion isn’t something you’re used to, and because it has to do with sex, there’s a bit of a tabu about it.

Sex in marriage, or sex in a monogamous relationship over a long period of time, isn’t just about being physical together. It’s about sharing secrets, fantasies, experimentation and being open and honest. In other words, sex in a long term marriage is about intimacy. That intimacy includes letting each other know about your sex life that’s together and apart (even if it’s solo). For some couples solo sex is private and not shared in any way. For others, it’s shared in every way. Either way, it doesn’t make a marriage better or worse if you’re a private couple or a sharing couple, but the compatibility does matter. Every couple has it’s own measure of comfort in knowing about solo sex, and it sounds like this isn’t something the two of you have discussed or shared before — but now is the time, because it’s bothering you, and he hasn’t indicated he is closed to opening up to you about this. In fact, he may be relieved that you’re going to talk to him about this subject. He may have decided it was off limits, without checking in with you about it, and your being open to it will bring greater intimacy to your relationship with your husband.

When you do, discuss it in a manner that’s jokingly inclusive and light hearted — and not in a way that puts your husband on the defense, makes him feel ashamed, or creates more of a barrier in this intimacy. This shouldn’t be a heavy talk. For instance, with a smile on your face, you can mention that there sure aren’t many of those pills left — and while you appreciate him giving you a break, you halfway hope he’s using them alone and not with someone else — and then laugh and be affectionate with him, so he knows you’re forging new ground here that initiates intimacy through honesty without shame. I know it’s trickier said than done, but you seem like you’re capable of this, and your relationship will be stronger for your willingness to forge new ground in intimacy with him.