Dear Got Caught Cheating.

I know that you want the trust back, and although it may not seem like it, I guarantee you that he does, too. He’s furious at you, and he feels trapped because you’re going to be parents together, and the dream he had for the four of you as a family is shattered, but the real reason he’s so angry is that he wants things to be different than they are, and he can’t seem to make them different. Neither can you. So, he’s angry and mistrustful. We all want certain things — but getting them takes work, and frankly, we don’t always get everything we want, when we want it, if at all. When it comes to wanting trust, that’s not something you buy or you demand and get, automatically; that has to be earned and in your case, that is going to take time. If you are willing to invest the time to continue doing what you’re doing, then that’s all you can do. But you have to be very, very patient. You can’t make any person trust you, as much as you want to. You have to show him that you’re trustworthy, and you have to do so until he is ready to feel that you are, and he is the only person who will be able to do that. It won’t happen as quickly as you want it to, if at all, and it probably won’t even be in the time frame you want. You don’t have control over him or his feelings — but you do have control over yourself and over your own behavior. If you remember that, you’ll feel less frustrated.

The real problem here, as hard as this will be to believe, isn’t the cheating. That’s probably surprising to you, but it’s true. Cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s a result, or a symptom, of a bigger problem. Like when you sneeze — sneezing isn’t your problem. Your problem is the cold germs, or the allergies or the dusty room you’re in that are causing you to sneeze. Well, the same is true with cheating. There are problems in your relationship that caused your cheating. One of them is a surefire way to break up relationships, and that’s swinging, threesomes and inviting others into the bedroom. Whenever someone writes me about introducing a third party into a relationship for sex — usually, it’s consensual — it always ends with the demise of the relationship, without fail. Because you have a relationship with this guy that includes threesomes, you’re in a relationship that is doomed. So, unless you’re willing and he’s willing to make the relationship about the two of you only, this isn’t going to work — if you get the chance to give it another try.

Your loneliness in the relationship is one of the bigger problems. When you’re lonely, chances are he knows it, and men don’t want to be with women who are unhappy. They want their women to be happy, and if they see a problem, they want to fix it. So when you told him you wanted attention and he invited you to do something with him that he likes — playing video games — that was a good sign. That was him trying to fix the relationship. But when you refused to, you rejected him. This doesn’t make a guy feel great about you, the relationship or himself. If you get another shot at this relationship, you should agree and join in! If your man likes golfing, then golf! If he likes video games, than grab a control! This is something you can do for him that gives you the time together and will make you feel less lonely, while showing him that you’re compromising and playing the games he likes with him. Remember, relationships are about compromise, as well as building experiences together. So ask him what he’d like to do, and then whatever he says, do it!

Lastly, there’s a maturity problem here, since this is your second affair — the one that produced your daughter with another man is the first one. When you get lonely, bored or
angry, you have to find a different way to express your feelings, other than cheating. Cheating is risky, and it destroys intimacy and entire relationships. It also sounds like you acted impulsively, without thinking of the consequences, which you now regret. Sadly, you’re learning a hard lesson about this, but if it’s the one lesson that stops you from cheating again, and makes you commit to a better relationship in your future, then it will have been worth it.