Dear April,
I have been with my boyfriend for over 13 years. Recently he left and said he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me any more. A few weeks passed and I said I want to be together in any way we can and he said, “I want to take it slow and be together eventually.” I don’t really understand what take it slow means. He hasn’t lived at home for 2 months now, although he hasn’t taken any of his things. We have a kid who misses him dearly. When I say I love you he doesn’t answer back. It’s painful and I feel like I don’t know where I stand. I’m in so much pain. He’s also changed a lot, his personality and his appearance. He seems to act young and selfish. It’s like he’s having a midlife crisis or wants to be young again and single. He hasn’t really spent a good amount of time with his child in the last year. What do I do to fix this? He has been under a lot of stress. He has a lot of financial problems and other problems, no employment right now. How do I handle this so we can get back together and he be like before. How do I go slow?
Signed,
Boyfriend Wanna Take Relationship Slow
Dear Boyfriend Wanna Take Relationship Slow,
When a man tells you he wants to “go slow” it may mean that he’s getting out of a long term relationship and wants to make sure he isn’t rebounding with you. Or, it may mean he doesn’t trust his judgment and wants to spend time getting to know you to make sure you’re “the one” before committing. Or it can mean that he’s not making any promises and doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea because he thinks that you’re much more into him than he’s into you. All this would be understandable — IF you had just met him and were newly dating. But after 13 years and 1 child together, going slow is what you already have been doing for more than a decade, and the fact that he’s now telling you that he wants to take it slow is merely his way of trying to let you down easily. What he means to say is, “I’m not making any promises that we’ll get back together again,” and by moving out, he’s letting you know without words that he wants to play the field, date other women, and see what else is out there. Bottom line: He is separating from you, and this is the most graceful way he knows how to do it. It’s not what you want, but it’s what he wants and it’s what he’s doing and he’s doing it this way because he doesn’t want to hurt you more than he knows he already is, by being frank. Sometimes people make breaks in relationships using the tools they have, even when they’re not such great tools. I know you don’t want the separation, but you can’t change him or his behavior. The only thing you can do is change yourself.
So what can you do? In terms of keeping the relationship, if you haven’t been bringing your A game, then there’s a chance that he’s leaving because you’ve let yourself go, and he doesn’t feel good about himself in a relationship with a woman who’s haggard and not on top of her game. Instead of judging (him, me, or yourself!), consider that this might be true. It’s easy for women to get into this rut and it happens frequently, but the reality is that if you have focused more on your child and less on your relationship, it’s possible that your man feels neglected and he very well may be. Most men leave because they don’t like the way they feel when they’re with a woman — and they gravitate towards women who make them feel good about themselves. So if you can make him feel better about himself with you, and you get the chance, do it!
However, if he’s leaving you because he just can’t get his act together, and the way he feels about himself has nothing to do with you, and has more to do with his unemployment and other stress in his life that you’re just not a part of, and he thinks that being in the relationship with you is keeping him from doing better for himself,(whether or not he’s right) then there’s not a lot you can do except to be the best single mother you know how to be.
