Dear April,
I’ve been dating this guy for about six months now, and we’ve been sleeping together for the last three months. He never initiates anything – dates, sex (he blames his age, 47), dinner with him and his daughter – but always seems interested when I initiate it. He also never gives me compliments on anything really, nor does he ever tell me how much he enjoys spending time with me. But he has no problem with introducing me to his family, he pays for lunch every day at work, and has talked about going on vacation in the future all together with his daughter and my two kids. He also rarely expresses interest in my day, or how something went (like Thanksgiving), or my plans for the weekend unless I tell them to him. I’ve even tried to lead him into asking me by asking him first. It’s like a sack of mixed messages, and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve expressed to him explicitly before that I want him to initiate get togethers sometimes, and he still hasn’t. I know for a fact he isn’t seeing anyone else. Just the relationship thus far has felt very one way as far as action goes. I really want this relationship to work, but geez, what to do, what to do?
Signed,
Boyfriend is Lazy
Dear Boyfriend is Lazy,
It will be better for you if you stop trying to make this work, and change your perspective and your outlook to see IF it will work — there’s a big difference between trying to force something and sitting back to see what it is. If a guy doesn’t ask you out, but is happy to go on dates you initiate, it’s unfair for you to expect him to change his behavior. He’s showing you who he is.
How about trying something different? Like….instead of asking him to change the way he does things, you change the way you do things. If he doesn’t initiate and you do, then you can consider stopping the initiating. If you do stop initiating dates, and he doesn’t ask you out, then simply don’t ask him out or show up to make it easy to be together. You’ll get to see how long it takes for him to miss you and want to see you enough to date you, or you’ll get to see that he’s not really into making any changes in his life — unless you lead. But if you don’t give him the chance, you won’t know! Likewise, if he doesn’t compliment you, then consider that he doesn’t appreciate things about you. But give him that chance.
It sounds like he may be showing you his true colors, and you’re trying to get him to change, and complaining that you’re doing what you’re doing, and not getting the outcome you want. So give it a rest, and see if he misses you enough to call you, compliment you, invite you out to dinner or on some other type of date. If he does, and you don’t make it so easy for him to see you, so that he has to do the work, you may have solved your problem! And if not you’ve always got the option of deciding he’s not really what you’re looking for, in spite of some qualities you do like, there are enough that don’t work for you, that it might just be better to move on. But you won’t know unless you give it a rest and see who he really is, when you don’t make the dates! You’ll either be very pleasantly surprised, or you’ll decide this isn’t for you. Either one is going to be educational and it will help you feel more comfortable.
