Dear Boyfriend Doesn’t Want Baby,

The reality is you have a certain window of time in which you can have a baby – that is if you want to have one biologically, the old fashioned way. You’ve heard the phrase, “biological clock” before. It’s become a cliche. And the reason it’s become a cliche is because it’s very real. Women are born with a certain number of eggs and a certain window of time to have children, and if they don’t make that a priority — when it’s something that they really want — that ticking biological clock becomes something many of them can actually hear, even though it’s just a metaphor. It’s not a pleasant metaphor because it makes most people anxious because it let’s you know you’re running out of time. In other words, you’re losing something (the ability to have children biologically) and if you want to keep it, you have to act. Obviously, the way to avoid this is to plan more carefully and find out very early on in the dating process if the man you’re beginning to see is compatible with you — in other words, if he wants what you want in the same time frame and with the same priority weight that you have. But let’s take it from today, since that’s where we are. You’re 37, and your clock is ticking, and you’re running up against time. (Of course, there are lots of different ways to have babies now — and adoption doesn’t require you to stick to the same timeframe that biology does, but you have another problem, besides your fertility…. And that’s your relationship and shared goals.)

The guy you’re with doesn’t really want what you want — he’s not giving you the commitment you’re looking for, and that’s why you’re writing me. He’s not saying no — but he’s lukewarm at best, and you understand what a huge commitment pregnancy, childbirth, and family entail. Your instincts are telling you that you want someone who’s just as passionate about marriage and family as you are so that you can feel confident that your man is all in and this family you want to start is being started on a solid foundation. The problem is, he’s not giving that to you. Deep down, you’re afraid that he just isn’t into having a family, and you know that children change relationships. The two of you are one thing, but the two of you with one, two or three little ones running around, are completely different lives. If your guy isn’t as into family as you are, after over six years together, it’s time to find someone who is. You’ll be much happier if you have a man who wants what you want, so you’re doing this together, for both of you.

It’s hard to break up with someone who has a lot about him that you like — but you have to know your deal breakers, and if he’s not compatible with what’s really important to you in your life, you’re going to waste even more of your precious time — to say nothing of his. Recognize what you want in life, and find a man who wants what you want, too! And because of that very real biological clock, date smart so you both get what you want.