[relationshipa1]

Hi April,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than 2 years now. We are extremely close to each other and share almost everything. I’ll be going out to work in a few months’ time after I graduate from the university while he’ll be starting to pursue his double degree. We are a very loving couple but there’s a very serious problem about me. I feel very insecure about myself and do not have much confidence in my boyfriend. For example, my boyfriend attended a scholars’ camp and he told me he had fun with all the activities. I couldn’t help but keep injecting snide and sarcastic remarks. I feel really ashamed of myself but I feel that in such camps, my boyfriend will have greater chances to get to know other people and especially girls and usually these camps have activities that encourages close physical contact with members of the opposite sex. And while he’s out there having all the fun, I stay at home and sleep. I feel so pathetic. I constantly fear that my boyfriend will fall for someone else. I have no idea why I have such low self-esteem and confidence. I’m not short of suitors and I always remind myself that I need to have faith and confidence in my boyfriend because he assured me I’m the only one he loves and already laid out plans for our future. But I’m afraid the more I trust him, the greater the disappointment.
April, I really want to know how I can get over these insecurities. I’ve tried everything I could. I go running three times a week, I take part in activities, I meet other friends but I still worry a lot. Please advise April. Thank You!

[April Masini]

Unfortunately, insecurity can be exactly what drives a man away from you. So knowing you have this problem is a good step towards fixing it. Since you say that you do go running, take part in social events and do things that would normally raise one’s self esteem, you should keep doing them.

The problems you specifically told me about are where I suggest you start working. For instance, you said that you make snide and sarcastic remarks to him about any adventures he has without you because you’re fearful that he’ll find a woman he likes more than you. Here’s the fix: STOP making those remarks. Just don’t say anything snide, sarcastic, nasty or mean. At all. It’s simple.

Second, if when he’s away at a camp or an event without you, and you normally stay inside and sleep because you’re depressed and scared, change that behavior. Don’t allow yourself to stay inside and sleep. Set the alarm clock and schedule events for yourself. Whether it’s running, a movie, a lunch date with a friend or shopping with someone else, keep your schedule packed when he’s away so you can’t practice depressive behavior that supports your insecurity.

If you start behaving like someone who doesn’t have a security problem, you’ll reduce the risk of losing him BECAUSE you’re insecure. While you may have the feelings of insecurity, and they may be lifelong, your behavior doesn’t have to mirror your feelings. Lots of people have fears, but they don’t give in to them or act on them. Instead they choose to act against that feeling — and that’s often a way to change the feeling, ironically.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things work out for you.

Please join me on Facebook, as well. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

[crazed-driver]

I think that these types of feelings are there for a reason. Its up to you to find out what they are and address them. For example, are you happy with your looks and how you dress, are you happy with the way your career goals are going? Think of all the things that you need in your life to make you happy apart from your boyfriend. Whether its changing your looks/appearance/the way you act/achieving career goals, or your general lifestyle. Then I’m sure when you’ve thought of all the things that you’re happy with and change the things that need changing these feelings will go. Plus while your doing this, go and do something fun that you haven’t done for a while/before with a few mates.

[April Masini]

[b]Crazed-driver[/b] is right. Working on your physical self — whether it’s dieting or bolstering an already healthy diet, giving yourself a makeover or sprucing up your grooming routine — can all make you feel better about yourself and at the same time, send the message to the world that you’re someone who takes care of yourself, cares about yourself, and expects to be with someone who appreciates this about you and does the same for himself. It’s a great way to start a cycle of health for yourself and any relationship you’re in — or will be in! 😉

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