why nice guy’s never get the girl

Dear April:

I read with interest your article by the title:

Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last.

I’m no expert in this area but hope that I may share my view on your valuable guidance.

I agree that men (or woman) who fawn over the object of their affection can repel rather than appeal.

You say: “I’ll bet you’ve never heard a woman say she didn’t want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting — have you?”

But these same desirable men may turn out to be arrogant or cocky instead of ‘confident’; over zealous, reckless or moody instead of ‘passionate’ & ‘exciting’.

Perhaps you can provide more insight into how one delineates these aspects so early on in the dating process ?

Those ‘nice guys’ may seem like wimps, but often it’s an aspect of character that makes one humbled by life’s unpredictable twists and turns and the mere frailty of establishing human relationships that can turn suddenly sweet or sour. Could nice guys be simply a bit shy or green to the dating process and cautious of error in delicate interactions ? I know that I was.

Is it possible that some of the schemas that are stereotypically associated with ‘strong men’ don’t jibe well with ‘nice guy’ ? Is a ‘gentle’ man weak ? Is a sweet mannered man ‘effeminate’ ? Is a calm demeanor ‘boring’ ?

You have hit upon an important aspect of human appeal. It is unfortunate however, that stereotypes remain the prevailing metric by which woman judge prospective male partners and vice versa.

May I suggest that it is exceedingly difficult for men (or woman) to change or intentionally act out a different persona without being true to themselves?

For example, if a shy individual was attempting to appeal to a prospective date and attempted to portray confidence without arrogance, when he/she characteristically exhibits neither, couldn’t that be a recipe for disaster?

Would it not be better to be naturally one’s shy self and if the prospect doesn’t find it appealing than so be it ! Either one eventually garners the confidence to be more assertive or move on to someone who actually finds the shyness appealing !

Perhaps knowing one’s enneagram would be a useful way of empowering an individual to find the potentials and limitations for seeking relationships and finding self understanding.

In my own experience, it may be that by some stroke of luck that I found my mate for life. It was difficult at first for me to show much confidence, passion or excitement to my future wife when we first dated. It all came eventually but it seemed that other qualities appealed more to both of us initially.

Isn’t confidence acquired through finding success in one’s pursuits? Many young people don’t have enough experiences where they have achieved a level of confidence in themselves when they begin dating. So isn’t it often the case that those who exhibit ‘confidence’ may often be simply acting out their hubris?

Isn’t passion more easily acquired from the excitement of being in love? That too can come once a relationship has blossomed and deepened. And isn’t it all the more exciting for two people to feel a mutual desire to nurture the relationship? If this is left to only one partner to be ‘exciting’ to the other, would you agree that the co-dependency may turn into something less than exciting?

It is a pleasure to read your insights and advice. I hope you will find this email of some interest.

Best wishes.

Sincerely,

Andrew

I read your article on yahoo about nice guys, while sitting here beating myself up for doing all the things you warn against. It’s been my problem my whole life. I really like this woman. I started getting to know her a while ago and have been more impressed with her every time I’ve been with her. She is unlike anyone I’ve ever met, in that she is interested and knowledgeable of so many of my obscure and sometimes odd interests. I felt such a connection with her that I mistakenly started acting as though she was feeling the same way. I went on to do everything wrong. I have slid right into the “friend zone” where I typically reside. I know from my experiences in life that the ship has sailed, But if there is something I can do to get it back, it would be worth it. I’ve been having so much fun being with her, but It’s getting less fun the more I care and the less she seems to. I’ve decided to just walk away for now, to try and stop my downward spiral. What I’m wondering is if there is anyway to repair the damage I’ve done.

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.