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katdawg.
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May 6, 2011 at 7:51 pm #3429
Lynndee
ParticipantMy boyfriend who is 48 and myself, 52, have had one confrontation about his nondiscreet way of looking at other women he finds attractive when we’re together. I am a very perceptive person and now his actions are making me “watch” him more when we’re in public. This last dinner together was our first year anniversary, we had bought tickets to see a play afterwards. During dinner a woman about 40, sat at the table besides us about 10 feet away, where she waited for her friend. My boyfriend was seated at my right hand facing her. She was attractive, kinda look like Helen Hunt, but she wasn’t anything to write home about. While we were eating he watched her several times, not long stares but I could tell he thought he was being discreet, but he’s real bad at that. He even caught himself and looked over at me to see if I had noticed….I did! To confirm my suspicsion, I noticed he looked down to cut his steak and noticed she was getting up to leave, his head popped up to get a “full” glimpse. This has happened before and I addressed this issue how it makes me feel and how I don’t check out guys in front of him. I asked him how he would feel if I did that. He has told me several times how much he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. We plan on spending the rest of our lives together. But honestly, I find his behavior disrespectful and demoralizing! I already have a complex about being 4 years older than him, but his looking makes me feel like he’s not satisfied with me!
Why does he do this and please don’t give me it’s “human nature” response because that’s garbage and just a cover-up? We are usually busy around the house doing things and once ina while we go out and this is when it happens. Most important; I hate the way it makes me feel and I’m starting to become someone I’m not. My trust is starting to lessen and I’m second guessing our love for each other.
Why can’t he just show some respect and control his need to look?May 6, 2011 at 9:45 pm #19165April Masini
KeymasterIf you feel inadequate, then check yourself and make sure you’re doing everything YOU can do to make yourself attractive. Lots of women let themselves go and it’s very important to keep up — your grooming, your hair, your makeup, your clothes — give him something to look at in you! 😎 Also, if you mostly do things around the house and don’t go out often, as you wrote, try changing that, and when you do go out, give it your best shot at getting his attention — and give every guy in the room something to look at, too! I bet when he sees other men checking YOU out, he may stop looking at other women and start looking at you.
😉 Lastly, if everything else in the relationship is going well, it’s important not to make a mountain out of a molehill. The worst way to exacerbate this problem is to call attention to it. If you joke about it, “Why don’t you take a picture — I’m sure she wouldn’t mind!”, and then laugh at his silly behavior, he might start to curb this habit without feeling nagged. Or if you agree with him, “She is cute, isn’t she!”, then he’ll realize you don’t feel threatened and he can be happy he’s got a date who’s not only adorable and hot but confident, too! That’s the combo you want to go for.
I agree that it’s terrible to become someone you don’t want to become, but you need to do YOUR part in this problem and not be the victim.
I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.
May 7, 2011 at 6:42 am #19215katdawg
ParticipantAmen! i am always complementing other women’s beauty. we are all the species and admiring one’s beauty is normal human behavior. 😀 whenever i’ve said, “damn, she’s hot. i’d do her.” trust me…he is NO LONGER LOOKIN AT HER but looking at me and immediately i think he’s got a fantasy going on in his head about me and another woman. haha oh but wait…he ain’t gonna lose me to another woman!! and then… wowza.. i have reeled his attention back in. investing in a good push up bra and low cut blouse works too.😯 May 7, 2011 at 12:09 pm #17799ParticipantThank you for your input. Maybe I should. Parity a few things. I may be 52, but most everyone thinks I’m between 40-43, which is a huge compliment. I’m 5’5 at 130 and well porportioned. He said he loves my body, we have get sex, we satisfy each other and have only had one disagreement in a year. Next, the girl he was checking out was not showing anything off, she actually had layered clothes on and jeans. I don’t want you to think I let myself go, I workout 3 times a week and have my own horse farm and get plenty of exercise. I normally turn heads when I clean up! So, NOW why does he do this? I will make light of this next time tIme to see his reaction. We also ENJOY doing things outside on the property and neither one of us like being where it’s crowded for a long period of time.
AND, I don’t want to play head games, like “I would do her too” no offense, I think I can come up with something different to make if a little more believeable, but have him still wondering.
Any other suggestions would be helpful.May 7, 2011 at 3:15 pm #18786KeymasterMen are visual. They like to look at attractive things (including other women) more than they like to read about them or hear about them. That’s why the porn industry is so rich. It’s exploited this natural impulse men have. You’ve pointed out your feelings. You’re doing everything to keep the sizzle in your bedroom. He isn’t cheating on you. He looks now and then. You may want to accept this foible as one of his faults you can live with — and remember we all have faults and it’s the sum total of the good and the bad that adds up to your decision to stay or go. I hope that helps!
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